Been doing a lot of looking in the mirror the past few days. I’m trying to figure out what I see. I’ve built up so much anger inside of me, not from the outside, but from my feelings and thoughts on myself. I continue to sabotage things, because the more I let people in the harder it gets to deal with my feelings. I haven’t got what I’ve needed in life because of my own actions. Nobody is to blame but myself, and I take responsibility for that.
Over the course of this week I’m going to making some choices, some very difficult, some not. I haven’t been a very nice guy lately, and it’s not something I’m proud of. The pain is so deep inside me, these feeling of not being good enough for myself or anyone else. I know where they come from, I know what happened to me as a child. I know the things that I went through that I’ve never told anyone. Why the fuck can’t I just get it out there and move on from it? Oh, I have huge trust issues.
I’ve been a bit hypocritical this week talking about love this and that. When the reality is I was trying to talk myself into something that was the opposite of how I really feel inside. So this week I’ve not been real, I’ve been a poser. Hell, maybe I’m just a poser all the time. Maybe I will never figure out who I am or what I’m supposed to be. Maybe none of that even matters.
I really don’t know why I’m writing all this. I guess it’s my way of therapy, and to get some positive attention.
I’ll get through this as I always seem to do. I might fuck things up in the process though, or maybe that’s just the way it was meant to happen. Either way I’m not going anywhere I’m here and will continue to be here.