As you all know from my previous post I didn’t go to Chicago. I did decide since I wasn’t doing that this week, that I was going to do something that took me out of my comfort zone.
So I went to a rap concert, Wiz Khalifa to be exact (BTW I love rap/hip-hop)
I decided that I was going to get there early and get a spot right in front the stage. The show started at 7 and I was in line at 4:30!! I was making this happen. Also I went by myself, another thing going out of my comfort zone.
So here it is 8:00 and I’ve been on my feet for 3.5 hours. That in itself was simply amazing!! I have no clue the last time I stood for that long without taking a sit break here and there.
Before Wiz Khalifa came on I could barely stand, the crowd was pushing, and it was getting a bit to crowded for me. However, the weed smoke was in the air, and even though I didn’t partake, I surely caught a contact high. Haha
Now on to the serious part of this post. I’ve been severely depressed over the last 2 weeks. My last yoga session was this Monday, and the last time I went to the gym was last Saturday. I’ve been eating absolute crap the whole time and I’m sure I’ve gained back some weight in the process. I’m finding it hard to breath, my back hurts, and my knees are absolutely garbage. I know I don’t reach out to people when I get this bad off, it’s just not something I do, even though many of you have said to reach out to you. I put up the front like everything is okay, but behind closed doors I’m a fucking mess. The thoughts of suicide have been running through my head more often than I’d like to admit.
So the plan was to go to the concert, and well, to be blunt (see what I did there?); kill myself afterwords. I know, I know; no more needs to be said about that. I didn’t and that’s what matters.
Something happened during that concert, I found happiness, or the smoke from the weed hit me. Either way I found myself head bobbing and rapping along with the songs, and most importantly I was smiling. I was fully present, aware, in the moment, and soaking it all up … and breathing it all in too, haha. If you know Wiz’s music it’s a lot about smoking weed, sexing the ladies, and spending money AKA balling. He does have some great inspiring lyrics in there as well, those are the ones I like the most. At one point Wiz let everyone know that they could be whatever they wanted and to keep on smiling, that’s the moment I started to believe in life again. Then later he was saying no matter how things are right now, they will get better, and better, and better …. he said that close to 20 times. He is so right though, regardless of what’s going on, things can always get better.
So here I am, listening to Wiz as I write this, taking some breaks to bob my head and letting myself get lost in the music.
Today I am better, I’m not quite back to my happy go lucky and inspiring self yet, but compared to the last 2 weeks I’m wayyyyy better.
I’m also in the process of discovering who I am as a person, and who I want to become, hell I think that is a never ending process for all of us. That being said I still have a long way to go dealing with anger, self hatred, feeling worthless, being abused as a child (not by my parents), my insecurities, just to name a few. I really feel totally lost at times, and while in those moments it seems like the end of the world, it’s not. It’s in those moments, when we choose to carry on, only to realize we weren’t lost at all, we were just uncomfortable.
Showing up isn’t just about working out, it’s a way of life. Last night, with the full intention of checking out afterwords, I showed up to a rap concert,. Funny that showing up led to me not giving up on my life.
I know Wiz will most likely never see this, but thank you for coming to Charlottesville last night, you inspired me to once again carry on and keep showing up.
Holla at chuh boy,
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