Wiz Khalifa and Suicide

As you all know from my previous post I didn’t go to Chicago. I did decide since I wasn’t doing that this week, that I was going to do something that took me out of my comfort zone.

So I went to a rap concert, Wiz Khalifa to be exact (BTW I love rap/hip-hop)

TGOD
In the pit

I decided that I was going to get there early and get a spot right in front the stage. The show started at 7 and I was in line at 4:30!! I was making this happen. Also I went by myself, another thing going out of my comfort zone.

So here it is 8:00 and I’ve been on my feet for 3.5 hours. That in itself was simply amazing!! I have no clue the last time I stood for that long without taking a sit break here and there.

Before Wiz Khalifa came on I could barely stand, the crowd was pushing, and it was getting a bit to crowded for me. However, the weed smoke was in the air, and even though I didn’t partake, I surely caught a contact high. Haha

Now on to the serious part of this post. I’ve been severely depressed over the last 2 weeks. My last yoga session was this Monday, and the last time I went to the gym was last Saturday. I’ve been eating absolute crap the whole time and I’m sure I’ve gained back some weight in the process. I’m finding it hard to breath, my back hurts, and my knees are absolutely garbage. I know I don’t reach out to people when I get this bad off, it’s just not something I do, even though many of you have said to reach out to you. I put up the front like everything is okay, but behind closed doors I’m a fucking mess. The thoughts of suicide have been running through my head more often than I’d like to admit.

So the plan was to go to the concert, and well, to be blunt (see what I did there?); kill myself afterwords. I know, I know; no more needs to be said about that. I didn’t and that’s what matters.

Something happened during that concert, I found happiness, or the smoke from the weed hit me. Either way I found myself head bobbing and rapping along with the songs, and most importantly I was smiling. I was fully present, aware, in the moment, and soaking it all up … and breathing it all in too, haha. If you know Wiz’s music it’s a lot about smoking weed, sexing the ladies, and spending money AKA balling. He does have some great inspiring lyrics in there as well, those are the ones I like the most. At one point Wiz let everyone know that they could be whatever they wanted and to keep on smiling, that’s the moment I started to believe in life again. Then later he was saying no matter how things are right now, they will get better, and better, and better …. he said that close to 20 times. He is so right though, regardless of what’s going on, things can always get better.

So here I am, listening to Wiz as I write this, taking some breaks to bob my head and letting myself get lost in the music.

Today I am better, I’m not quite back to my happy go lucky and inspiring self yet, but compared to the last 2 weeks I’m wayyyyy better.

I’m also in the process of discovering who I am as a person, and who I want to become, hell I think that is a never ending process for all of us. That being said I still have a long way to go dealing with anger, self hatred, feeling worthless, being abused as a child (not by my parents), my insecurities, just to name a few. I really feel totally lost at times, and while in those moments it seems like the end of the world, it’s not. It’s in those moments, when we choose to carry on, only to realize we weren’t lost at all, we were just uncomfortable. 

Showing up isn’t just about working out, it’s a way of life. Last night, with the full intention of checking out afterwords, I showed up to a rap concert,. Funny that showing up led to me not giving up on my life.

wiz_khalifa
Wiz Khalifa

I know Wiz will most likely never see this, but thank you for coming to Charlottesville last night, you inspired me to once again carry on and keep showing up.

Holla at chuh boy,

-Richard-


 

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4 thoughts on “Wiz Khalifa and Suicide

  • July 25, 2015 at 12:27 PM
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    Thank you for your brutal honesty and for giving hope to a lot of us.

    Reply
  • July 19, 2015 at 11:31 PM
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    Richard, I’m so glad you found a reason to continue living!!

    It was just a short 2 years ago when I was going through those same emotions and I want to tell you I’m so glad I didn’t kill myself, but kept fighting to hold on. If I had let go I would not have enjoyed the best 2 years of my life!!

    I started my journey in 2008 at over 500 pounds. I was just existing. My journey involved weight loss surgery and I believe it saved my life. Since then I’ve embraced exercise and healthy eating and have lost over 200 pounds. The weight came off in the first couple years and then the emotional spiral started. I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t have my drug of choice (food) to numb the feelings. I floundered around for a couple years, including considering how to end the pain… and then I found my yoga instructor. I wasn’t even looking that direction, but it has been the most incredible change in my life. I’ve learned to love myself and put the past in the past and start looking at all the blessings in my life.

    When I read your posts about the pain you are going through it reminds me of where I was at one time. Please, please, please, when the pain gets to the point that you want to stop it don’t pull away from your support. We are here for you and all understand the ups and downs of life. I’m not perfect, there are still times the past emotions try to take over and that’s when I have to remember they are not who I am anymore. You have come so far and will get through this… because you are important and deserve it.

    Thank you for sharing your journey… the joys and the struggles… we’re here for you.

    Pam

    Reply
  • July 17, 2015 at 2:21 PM
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    TBH I felt you spiraling downwards for the last two weeks. Call it intuition, empathy, what you will but I just had that feeling. In spite of this I also never lost faith in you working through this tough phase. And then. Like the rock star you really are- sharing it with your community of folks who want to be fully engaged with life and with you in a fully authentic way. I guess the word here is full. As in my heart is full at this moment with joy in your continued courage and perseverance to be here. You really are an amazing man Richard. If I ever get to your neck of the woods I would love to meet you and share an experience together. It could be anything. A walk, yoga, a juice, a meal, laughs. You get what I’m sayin. You have so much to offer this world. You may be larger than you want to be, but you are beautiful right now as you are. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. With each step a little progress goes a long way. Believe me when I tell you, you are not alone. It’s taken me my whole life up to this moment to find self acceptance. I work on it every day. You are one of the many people who have inspired me to keep going. I’m so grateful for your gift of sharing your open heart with anyone who is fortunate to know you. Even if it’s Internet based. What you do really matters. Thanks for sticking around. Hugs

    Reply
    • October 7, 2015 at 4:09 AM
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      Just…keep….swimming…. depression sucks and it’s not until you are able to look back at it that you can get away from it. N-acetylcysteine helped me tremendously… it helps curb impulsively. Not sure how or why. But- My impulsive choices tend to be crappy ones that I regret later. And I truly believe that was the first step in breaking out of a 5 year nightmare. Choices have to be made, no matter what. Life is a series of choices, after all. Even if your day is spent not making choices, that is actually a choice. If that makes sense. Make sure every day to do at least one thing that moves you closer to the life you want. http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/05/life-weeks.html

      You got this!!!!

      Reply

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